Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
