I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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