Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
