The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
