I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
