I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
