so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I just had sex on a roof
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
