operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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