yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
