____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Be still, my beating vagina.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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