I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
No stitches, just platelets and will power
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
