They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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