Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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