I smell stomach acid.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
