I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
