Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
