Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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