i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
