he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
