Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Randomize
