So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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