Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
