She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
