I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Randomize
