It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
