That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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