I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
