They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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