you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
