very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
