week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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