I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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