I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
