If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
