Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
