Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
