Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
