I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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