he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
