the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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