you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
