make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
