He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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