please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
