WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
