Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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