Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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