I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
