I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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