These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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